Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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