Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My cat gives me a boner
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
