I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
BRING THE BAGELS
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
