Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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