so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
