I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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