The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
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I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
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he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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