just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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