tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
