No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
