My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
