So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
