I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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