It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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