i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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