I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
