I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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