My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
