when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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