he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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