You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
