Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
