so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
