i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
