I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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