lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
