I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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