Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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