I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
