After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
