some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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