I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
