i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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