the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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