Apparently you make a good broom.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
