We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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