The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Are we still banned from the library?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
