There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
