my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
