he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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