walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
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Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...