Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Success! We fucked roommates!
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