Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
