I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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