Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
