i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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