I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
