He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
