my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
