Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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