Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
