1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
