I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
