Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
