you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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